Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Time to be happy again

Often, it’s our obligation to make things right. If we don’t, then we, too, are perpetuating a wrong or injustice, further harming others. No, I don’t mean make things right because we’ve intentionally done wrong.

Rather, I mean that if there’s a cycle of dysfunction, we must have the courage, wisdom, and tenacity to say, Enough! This destructive pattern not only stops with me, but actually changes with me. It’s a really powerful process where you, as a lone person, can change your life, your family tree, and the lives of many around you.

We unfortunately are cyclical creatures, following the pack. Although we have free will and astounding amounts of opportunity, we rarely use it. We know that our life paths are alarmingly dictated by those of most influence in our lives. The surest way to be a parent is if your parents were  parents. The surest way to become an alcoholic is have parents who were alcoholics. And, the surest way to being a terrible boss is to be groomed by a terrible boss. These risk factors create systemic, generational wrongs – and they go on and on.

And, it’s up to us – and only us – to stop them. No rule book said that if my parents were uneducated, impoverished, alcoholic-addicts, I had to follow that path. Sure, statistics said YES. However,  your not a statistic unless you make yourself one. I’m an individual. And, I’ve long known that I alone had the power to right the wrongs in my life – and I continue working at that every day. This is my life and no one dictates its potential but me. This took a long time for me to discover but I have. I had to have me world broken down and who knows if my world will ever fully recovery but today is the beginning. Its time to be happy again, time to be happy for real. Be true to myself and work hard at staying true without reliving the path that I once followed

Breaking the cycle isn’t easy. I'm been there, and it’s a never-ending process. It’s a difficult journey because there’s no road map and usually no support. I am lucky however because on my journey my wife has decide to stay with me and help me see it through.

It’s like walking on ice for decades, where as long as you stay up, you’re fine, and the fear of losing footing keeps you laser focused on every move you make. Yet, the struggle is motivating, righting wrongs is empowering, and breaking cycles is liberating. You may have been born into it, but you can likewise grow out of it. Heritage, genetics, environment, upbringing – you can be more than all of it. Right the wrongs, break the cycles, and live to your potential.

On a final note; I want to say one more thing. A idol of my passed away Robin Williams. He truly was one of the people in this world who made me happy. He made me laugh and his energy was intoxicating but unknown to most where his demons; demons which seemed to  have won a fight.

What I ask is this; please remember we all have demons, we all face demons each and every day. No one is pure. Be true to yourself and face those demons; find help because you are not alone. Be remembered as Robin is; for what you gave to this world, not how you left it.

Friday, August 8, 2014

The truth......about lying!

Life is never easy and over the last 2 weeks I found myself reinventing who and what I am. I found out that I nearly lost what means the most to me and it was totally my fault. I simply didn't think about what was truly important.  Honesty, love, belief, faith and most of all the truth.

I put myself into a situation wherein I found myself lying my entire life. I fooled myself into thinking the act of telling falsehoods was somehow protecting someone’s feelings ( primarily mine) . But the truth of the matter is my lying only compounded the challenges and hurt the person I was trying to protect.

I have never experienced the domino effect of lying before. I hadn’t been in a position before in which I was creating new lies to cover up previous lies, nor in the position of trying to recall what I had said in previous mistruths to validate and confirm current mistruths. I found the whole process excruciatingly exhausting, both physically and emotionally daunting. I finally reached a point where I told the person the whole of the situation, because I was ‘caught’ in the process, and also because I couldn’t stand to tell one more lie.

The truth about lying is that the act itself causes me great distress.

Not only the act but the repercussions of the act. The act itself was wrong (distressfully wrong) but understanding what the act itself has caused and almost cost is the more important part. The act of lying over a great period of time does very damaging things. The song ” parting glass” has a set of lyrics in it which I thought was true.

“And all the harm that e’er I’ve done – Alas it was to none but me”

This is something I believed in but it is just not true either.

Because of the way my mind works, I overanalyze the simplest of things; however, the most prevalent means of overanalyzing is seen in my natural, and seemingly instinctual To complicate the ordeal, having been around this earth long enough, (I am ready to be beamed up.), it’s quite clear that truths are too complex of matters to ever be discovered in completion. To truly peel the outer layer of the proverbial onion off to find the core of truth is impossibility—the process in and of itself futile.

Yet, still my mind peels and peels, thinking at last I will figure out the reality of truth; even as I know now, to at least conclude now, that the only reality is love and service, and trying my best to be the best version of me NOW, whilst allowing myself to be human without gluttony-based-behavior manifested as self-punitive thoughts.

Regardless of any knowing, my brain will continue to try to find the truth, the facts, the reality. The reason, it seems now, is I have this engrained responsibility to be authentic. I mean it’s carved into me—the very heart of me wanting nothing more than to be me.

Praying for forgiveness and hoping to find what once was.

And that is where everything gets complicated. For there is no me I can find.

Beyond this philosophical plight, there remains the undeniable, double-stubborn part of me that insists even as the depths of honesty elude me. They, the depths of honesty, are complicated by manmade rules. Whether the rules be about feelings, or disclosure, or privacy, or social behavior, the rules affect my ability to figure out how to be. This in itself in a quandary: For if I am in constant state of trying to figure out how to be me, then when am I me? My mind gets stuck on wheels of thought like the aforementioned, and I become exhausted.

In this interplay of finding truth, simple acts become tiring, thinking becomes tiring. Everything is a hurdle.

I am moving forward trying to merely move beyond the obstacles. I become utterly dumbfounded and at times lost in a maze of possibilities. I wonder if my facial expression is what I am feeling. I wonder if my tone of voice accurately reflects the inner me. I wonder if in my response to ‘how are you,’ is a true response. I wonder if my thoughts are kind about the person, and if they are not kind thoughts, I wonder what is kind?

Time seems to have slowed down, too, as if I have the ability to process things at the opposite of hyper-time, and enter a zone of almost endless contemplation, until I am pulled back by a sensory trigger such as the voice of another. I then question my actions. Was I ‘ADHDing’? Was I time traveling? Was I over-thinking? And then the judge comes forward, the voice I stopped pushing down, and now simply observe and let slip away. The voice reminding me how different I am than most around me; how most of my life is spent in another world, way beyond the experience of the common bystander I observe.

And the thoughts don’t stop then. I am in a constant state of preparation of truth. Sometimes I think a certain species was created to be a light bearer of truth. But I think whomever plopped some of us down, forgot the enormity of the task of the act of bearing truth, forgot the infiniteness of truth, the way the frays off the branches of thoughts bleed out into millions upon millions of splintered-possibilities, and how the mind can only handle so much. I think this creator, or these creators, whether it be God, aliens, genetics, or mutations, overlooked the humanness of us, the frailties, the ways in which our own minds would override our sense of freedom and hope. And how inevitably in longing for the truth, more than anything, we would lose sight of not only ourselves, and those around us, but the very gift of life.

I ask you not for pity or forgiveness but simply understanding. I made a mistake, many of them. I admit that and I not only have paid dearly for it but will continue to pay dearly for it until what I hope becomes a time to which the forgiveness gives ways to the simple task of accepting me for who I am.


I faulted but truly loving, kind hearted person who never truly meant any harm.

The hardest thing through all of this, is understanding I am actually not a bad person.

That is the hard part!