Breakdown or Breakthrough?
Is life a train or a boat?
It’s an important question because the answer makes a huge difference. A train takes you exactly where you wish to go – it’s on rails, it’s smooth, it’s steady, it’s totally predictable. A boat, on the other hand, heads out on a meandering course, where its voyage is uncertain – it can get off of its bearing, it can encounter rough water, it can be unpredictable. I’ll ask again, is your life a train or a boat?
Of course, it’s a trick question, as no one’s life is an ever-steady course on rails. At points in our lives – it happens to all of us! – we can feel genuinely dissatisfied with the direction of our lives, where all hasn’t headed where we wish. Maybe our dream job didn’t prove as rewarding as we thought, or hasn’t materialized at all. Maybe the all-fulfilling relationship that we wanted never panned out. Or, maybe our financial goals were never achieved. The list goes on and on, but it all leads to a universal truth: When our lives haven’t met our expectations, we find ourselves discontent and dissatisfied at best, and depressed and feeling hopeless at worst.
Yet, when we find ourselves at such discouraging crossroads in life, all is not lost. Rather, we have three distinct ways to address discouraging periods, and the tact that we chose makes the difference between merely surviving and truly thriving, between feeling adrift and being on course. Therefore, when we feel like our life’s not going in the directions we wish, what approaches can we take, and what are their typical results?
I’ve been fascinated with this subject for some time now. It’s a time I’ve spoken a lot about, where my family was a mess; a girl whom I adored went as my date to the prom, then refused to dance with me based on my disability (how could I ever find a woman to love me if one wouldn’t even dance with me?); my grades in school were mediocre at best; and, I was still in the throes of learning to care for myself, where every day was physically draining. With everything around me seeming so bleak – that is, life not living up to my expectations – I have fallen into a deep depression, just thinking, If this is life, is it really worth living?
It is a heavy question, just for adults who struggle with questioning the direction of their life at any age. However, as I have pondered the question for days, weeks, even months now. I have a realization that ultimately my life has changed, a simple question that popped into my head:
What can I do about any of it?
Although I have not verbally articulated it, I realize that I have three distinct solutions to my dissatisfaction with my life:
Firstly, I can do nothing. Simple – do nothing, stay unsatisfied, depressed, distraught, whatever, and nothing would change. How’s that for an easy out? Do nothing, and just keep feeling as bad as you’re feeling! The problem with this approach – or, lack thereof – is that we’re merely allowing ourselves to drift in the sea of life, where without our fight or struggle, the next wave has every ability to push us under. Complacency is emotionally the most risky way to live, usually escalating dissatisfaction with our lives in the long run to destructive levels.
The second choice I have is to lower my expectations. If we feel life isn’t meeting our expectations, we can always lower them, and rationalize ourselves into a more comfortable place (clinically tying into the dreaded D-word, “denial”). I can just accept that I am loser destined to lose, and be OK with all of the dysfunction in my life, lucky to just be alive. We see people take this approach all of the time – that is, if life’s not meeting their expectations, they simply lower their expectations. I’m not finding reward in my career, but at least I have a job. My relationship isn’t totally fulfilling, but at least I found companionship on some level. And, this approach of addressing life’s dissatisfaction by lowering expectations – as in finding ways to justify accepting less than you truly wish! – Actually works. After all, if we lower our expectations, even bad aspects of our lives seem justifiably acceptable at some point. He’s a good man when he’s not drinking (how many times have we heard that one, where we just want to scream, No, you’re married to an abusive alcoholic – cut the denial!). However, here’s the problem: When we lower our expectations, we not only accept less than we deserve, but we compromise our core values within ourselves, we give away parts of who we really are and who we’re capable of being. And, of course, this lesser sense of self is hard to live with, usually catching up with us, crushing our spirit.
But, now, I realize that I have a third option to address life not meeting my expectations: I can change my life by taking responsibility for it. Yes, folks Chris Daw is taking responsibility for his actions in life.
If no one cares about me, I at least can care about myself. It didn’t matter what my parents did or didn’t do. It didn’t matter whether life will ever accept me. The only aspect that matters is that I take full control over whatever I can control, and if that only makes my life 50% better in the immediate, that would be a huge improvement in my life.
I have the good fortune of figuring out the life lesson now and finally; if we don’t like the direction of our life, change it. It’s not rocket science, and successful people practice it every day, where if you’re dissatisfied with your life, don’t just keep going down that road, or lower your expectations and accept it – but actually pursue paths to improve it. Is it easy? No. Is it scary at times? Yes. Does it take time and dedication? Sure. But, does it work every time?
Absolutely!
See, life is a convoluted synergy of factors that drive our lives, but we’re ultimately the ones behind the steering wheel. There’s a lot that we can’t change, especially our pasts. But, there’s a lot that we can change, and most of it is based on decisions that we make today. Don’t settle or lower your expectations based on dissatisfaction; rather, raise the bar in pursuit of a satisfying, purpose-filled life and never lose sight of what is important to you or the people around you. Do the little things which can mean more to someone else than to you, especially if you are not watching and they are. I lost track of that and of myself but now, now maybe I can clear the air and refocus on what the needs of everyone in my life needs me to do….change!
