Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Passage of time….

I opened a book preface with the line, “There’s no greater challenge, more or less significant than the passage of time.”

 And, in the many years since, that line has remained with me, with my understanding that empathy and compassion are two of the most sincere traits that we can possess. See, what I’ve learned through my own challenges and struggles is that while no two people or struggles are the same, challenges and struggles effect most individuals at some point in life – often at several points in life – and although the origins of challenges and struggles vary greatly, their impact is universal, requiring all of us in moments of desperation to find an inner-strength to step back from the ledges we find ourselves on. And, when we’ve stood on the ledges of life – on the verge of slipping off, falling off, wheeling off – we know how tough it is for others in those situations, but what happens when we find ourselves facing the same situation.

When you live successfully with disability – and, dare I say, honestly, where you don’t portray life as perfect, but as simply survivable, regardless of challenge or struggle – it is inevitably clear to others that you’ve been to the ledge and back, gaining wisdom along to way. After all, if one is struggling, one can relate with someone who’s obviously struggled, too – and there’s a sort of reassurance in seeing that another has somehow made it through the tougher times in life, mountains climbed, scars earned, wisdom gained, and ledges safely passed.

When you put these perspectives together – those who are facing life’s challenges and struggles, with those who have struggled and survived; the fact is, many are too often alone in facing their challenges and struggles – and it is scary, isolating, and debilitating. What’s even worse is when one discusses one’s challenges and struggles with someone who hasn’t “been there,” and ends up being judged, lectured, and ridiculed – harmful feedback that can only make one feel more defeated, pushing one farther out on the ledge. But, when there’s a true mutual understanding between people. We share, we listen, and we build trust – that is, we create the foundations of truly the most meaningful, supportive, healing relationships in our lifetimes.

And, when we’re in need, with such an empathetic, compassionate friend in our midst, the outcomes are life-changing: We can exhale our true feelings, we can open ourselves up in a safe place, we can explore our emotions, we can express true wishes, and we can just be. When it all comes together, it’s not just a friendship that’s life-sustaining, but can actually be life-saving – conversations that allow us to restart living.

Those who have faced life’s challenges and struggles, we know how tough they can be to overcome. Yet, when we overcome them, we have an evolved empathy and compassion for others of such kindred spirits. Let us be there for others – without judgment, as unconditionally as possible. And, if we’re fortunate enough to have someone who’s there for us unconditionally – offering an open hand, drawing us back when we’re standing on a ledge – let us cherish that friendship and reciprocate.  This is what happen to me when I met Morgan. She pulled me from the ledge and saved my life. Allowed me to once again understand the regardless of what I thought I did have meaning to others and have changed life’s though my message though my living.

I sit on the sidelines waiting for an opportunity be that in a career, in sport, or in life. Perhaps one day though the passage of time people will understand that I really am not who I was and started my life over when I met Morgan. I will sit patiently with aspirations of hope and understanding. We a belief that people may understand that the past is the past and pages for people can be rewritten should they be given the opportunity. See, the goal  is to not just to top the mountains of life, but to top the mountains of life together, hand-in-hand and this can only be done though the passage of time..

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Happy Birthday Mom - I love you , you know.

Eleanor F. Daw

Today is my mom's birthday.

How old she is does not matter, time for her now stands still.

Today is a day for reflections and celebration.

My mom passed away on April 29, 2010.

I have read my brothers tribute to her which was as always touching.(
My sister posted a link to a song which had tears well in my eyes (

It is a time hard to explain to my children.  My oldest boy Kyle knew his grandmother and missing her deeply. My other boys knew her and loved her but did not really have the time to get to know her. My daughter Arowyn was only seen once by my mother over Skype. She smiled at my mom and my mom called her tulip. I know my mom watches over them and provide guidance to them each day. I sometimes feel she sit on my shoulder and talks to me, telling me not to give up and not to fear for hope is just around the corner.

Forever I will never understand why my mother was taken from this family; from my father. She was so loved and loved 10 fold in return. She is missed almost as much as she was loved, each one of us still grieving in our own ways. I never really got to say goodbye to my mom, never got to say I love you one last time. Why? I will know the day see holds me in her arms again; sometime down the road; a day she only knows.

Ivan & Eleanor Daw
Every morning I wake up and put on a mask,
the mask makes everything seem alright,
But they don’t know I cry at night,
The nightmares just won’t go away
If only I knew it was your last day
once more the words of love would have been said

I’ve felt this pain
The feeling just won’t go away,
Everyone thinks I’ve dealt with your death the best,
but without this mask Id be a mess.

Struggle is not something we need to accept but some thing which only presents itself each day.

My mom struggled on a numbers of roads in life but never did stop loving anyone of us and never will.

“I love you, you know” is an older post which I wrote at the time of my mom’s passing and I invite you to read it (

Then I ask you all regardless of how you feel, to call, hug, visit, what ever you need to do to those which means something to you regardless of the pass. Reach out to them and say I love you, or even hey.

Because one day you will not have that chance and the void will be great and empty.

I love you mom and miss you more than anyone will ever know.

My Mom's remberance stone

Friday, November 4, 2011

Elmo has such a greater meaning....

                                                   Elmo means "I love you"

Each day passes without real notice to anyone. We sometimes wake up to wonder where time went. The other day I was sitting with Arowyn (my daughter) and this fact hit me. Arowyn is my prize so to say. All my children are. I have a few. My older girls Pam and Chantelle are well into adulthood now. They are 19 and 17; one with Kodi my granddaughter who turns 1 in February. They are both from my ex-wife Mari.

Kyle is my oldest son from my marriage to Mari but lives with Morgan and I. He is a great boy who is dedicated to his family. Arowyn looks upon him in awww. Everyday sitting at the windows awaiting his return from school yelling Ky, Ky. Until he walks though the door and she can be held by him and they walk off to get their brothers. He really is a GREAT kid. He works very hard trying to do his best for me and Morgan. He does not always succeed but he is always appreciated and loved. Thank you ,Kyle.

Shane and Tj or better known as the “fix it brothers” are good kids to. They are peas in a pod and arm in arm stand by each other. They love their brother and sister.  They also work hard at doing the right things not always have success either but the effort is there. Thank you boys. They are loved as well and we try hard to make sure all the boys know right from wrong and get along.

Arowyn throughout the day will YELL; TJ;  as she does not understand where he went. She checks the window 200 times a day between 11am and 3pm for her brothers crying out for them.

She is a dream. Blues eyes to die for; bright smile; blonde hair. I will have to stand guard with my guns when she is older to fight the boys off. She is always happy but can have a major attitude when she wants. The other day my sister Tracey helped as I fix my car. I had asked her to watch Arowyn. Well; 2 hours later and my loving, happy daughter was still yelling at the top of her lungs. Not to discount the valiant efforts of my sister.  She did a great job but next time I need to bring her ear plugs. Arowyn can have attitude.

Arowyn has one love in the world right now; ELMO. I got a tickle me Elmo from Morgan about 4 years ago as a gift. Elmo is Morgan and mines code word for “I love you”. So the gift was perfect at the time. A few years later and Elmo is loved. Arowyn tows him around the house doing everything. And gods forgive you should you come between her and him.

She dress him, diapers him, feeds him; well I bet you get the picture. I think in her own way she has even asked me to buy him a car but the budget has not worked out for that yet. Next blog I will have the adventures of Elmo ready to go and you can read the toilet and swimming lessons she tried to give him. Remember one thing about that doll. The batteries… when you see her hair standing on end you now understand (just joking)

Arowyn loves her mom. She is going though the worst time of her life right now. Every time her mom leaves she pans at the windows yell for her mommy for 5 to 25 minutes.  She is getting better but it is very difficult on her. Morgan use to stay at home with her when I work and Arowyn has not figured thing out yet that when she leaves she will return. I have a few tricks but is very difficult time and only time will tell or more over learn.

Morgan is my wife of 3 years and I have been with her for 5 in total. We both have our past but better yet we have our future. Today November 4 is our anniversary day of when we officially became a couple. I love her with all my heart. I truly believe I am a much better person today because of her. I gave up my old life, all my wrong doings, all my errors (I still make a few) . She has changed me for the better.

 She showed me who I am and what I can be. I am not perfect and I have wrong so many people. For that all I can say is I am sorry.   I will not apologize but I can say I was wrong and I am sorry. Take it for what it is and the words I have said. I am sorry.

Morgan and the kids are my life. I love them and that is to be noted.

Happy Anniversary  Morgan , it has been a great 5 years awaiting the next 5.

I have moved on from the VCC and although missed and not understood. I have my foundation, my wife, my kids, my family and those I call friends.

My door, phone and heart is open to all of you. You know you can count on me for support and love.

That is who I am now and what I try to be.

THANK YOU all for your embrace, forgiveness, friendship and so much more.

Next time the adventures of Elmo and swimming in the toilet!
Shocking outcome to be announced!