Past, Present, Future??????

What if you could change one thing about your past, present or future? Would you?

I got asked that question the other day; and you know what; my answer is: I don't know.

Let's look at it for a moment.

If I change one thing about my past would I be where I am today, NO. If I was abled-bodied would I have taken up sports, would I have won gold, most likely not. Would I have had my children, met my wife, work where I work; all answers point to no.

Change my past, I think not. I would have never got to where I am.

Change my present; another good question. Are there thing I would like to change; YES. Everyone has that answer but truly what could I change. I would, once again, not be who I am today. So the answer again, NO.

Now let's talk about the future. I have no idea of who I am going be in the future or what it will bring. If I had that answer, I can tell you I would be the richest man in the world. But I already have a rich life. Filled with Love for and of my children, my wife and my friends. So I have everything I wanted for the future. What tomorrow brings, well I have no control anyways. So I try not to think about it to much.

What I can tell you is this....if you can reflect on your past and build a better present from it then you future will be bright.

If you leave your past in the past, embrace the opportunities given you present then again your future will be bright.

I am where I am today because of my past. I am here in the present because of and for a reason; be I know what it is or not. My future will present itself in time so embrace today.

I ask forgiveness for my sins of the past, I pray I don't make the same mistakes in the present and I hope future those whom claim they know me truly learn who I am.

Would I change anything in my past , present or future? NO, plain and simple. I will just try and be better for you, for my family and for myself. Learn about me and leave the past in the past

.

Who knows, you might like who I am.....Would you change anything. TRULY!

Waiting on the sidelines....out in the pasture

I know it has been a while but a lot in my life has been going on.

Work has been crazy, the baby is growing up to fast and oh yea, I was inducted into the London, Ontario Sports Hall of Fame.

Funny though.. If life is about choices then why do we ultimately get to make very few?

In today's world we are faced with many choice; good and bad. Ones which will lead us down the road to a better future or a darker one. Right?

Why when you sit back and really look at does it seems most of the time that we, as a person never really make the choice. No, I am not talking about what to have for dinner or what to wear more over I am talk about the choice which we can never control.

I threw a curling stone yesterday for the first time in what has to be almost 3 years now. I must say I did very well, it was kind of like riding a bike once I was done cursing at the ice and stones. I retired from curling as a member of the national team over 4 years and I find still today I have to live out my past. What more is that no one today will take me for who I am. Allot in my life has change and trying to outlive what people think they know about me has been; what seems impossible.

My life in the past was full of passion which was greatly outlive by my lack of patience. I was a true competitor and to be honest with myself more than anything a ASSH*(E about it. I was very good at most sports I did or tried. I have won Gold at eh highest level you could ever achieve; the Olympics or in my case the Paralympics. The months after each time I gained success something in me thought I was better than I was, I had control and I could do whatever I wanted, both in sports or in life.

Than my life changed....not sure when but it did change and change hard.  I think it changed   just before I moved to Newfoundland. I had lost everything. My sports, my job, my wife at the time, my family and even my children. I had started to recover slowly. I found a new love, my current wife. I made a means with my children the best I could, found a new job, I even got back into sport heavy again, curling Hockey , BBALL, etc. . Then I lost a great part of it again after I made a choice in a way. I nearly died on the day of the accident and nobody really knows that until I placed in here in print. I was in the back woods of Newfoundland and had an ATV accident. Like a fool I was alone. The 800 pound bike rolled on top of me and I was pinned. No cell phone coverage, late in the day, cold, everything that you would like to watch in a good survival drama show.  After hours under the bike; it hit me... It is not my choice to make here today to die. I have a wife, children, a few friends who the hell am I to make a choice for them. I am not sure how but I got that bike off me, crawl a few hundred feet with my breaks, blood and pain to get cell phone coverage and rescue. That day I said I would try and make amends.

But that choice is not up to me, I gave that right way. For those of you reading this please , please understand the following. I am not who I was, I never will be again.  I  am sorry and I am here should you ever want to believe in me again. A song I listen to at least once a day says this....

Nobody knows but me, That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep, When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls, I think nobody knows

Nobody likes to lose their inner voice, The one I used to hear before my life
Made a choice, But I think nobody knows

Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown, And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows

It's win or lose not how you play the game, And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name, But I think nobody knows

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend, I'll wake up and start all over again

When everybody else is gone, Nobody knows but me what I have lost.

  So in the end, never let your passion outweigh your patience! EVER!

Use you gifts in a quiet fashion including your voice.

And never try and out run your past for it will always control you future.

Until next time....(hopefully)

Waiting on the sidelines

I hate doing math...

So I was sitting in the car the other day and my wife was in there with me, who I love an adore. We were talking about age differences, now not that it really matters but there is an age difference between my wife and I of 14 years.

So we started talking about when she was born, I was 14 and had been racing for a number of years and then we started doing some really odd math. So I have a son named Kyle who is 14, which is really odd math considering there is exactly 14 years difference between my wife and I. So then we did some other math my wife is 26 and my oldest son is 14 which equals 40 which oddly enough is exactly how old I am this year.

Are you creeped out yet???? because it gets better.

So I have two other sons, Shane who is 8, and Tj who is currently 5 soon to be 6. So On Aug 12th when Tj turns 6 (happy early birthday son) The combined age of Shane and Tj will be exactly 14, the same age as my oldest son.

Now it gets a little weirder and no I am not Jim Carey in the movie Numbers but..... There is exactly 14 years age difference between my oldest son and my daughter. There is 14 years ago combined with Shane and Tj, there is 14 years difference between my wife and me.... creepy. The number 14 keeps popping up this year.  

So oddly enough for the remainder of the year, after Aug 12th when Tj turns 6, I think I will buy lotto tickets, but they all have to have a 14 on it. I have to buy size 14 in everything, I have to move to 14th street in number 14 house. I will say this that if I run into one 14 with bad news I am in trouble.

14, isn't that when all the trouble begins?

I am blessed!

So what if I didn’t win the million….well it would have been nice but I have learned and quickly at that, that life is not about money. I look around and I figure I have every basic thing I need, food, shelter, car, JOB, etc.

I need to be grateful not wishful.

Sure, I did what most people did, the what if’s, the I would do if I won and Yes I even prayed a little asking for help but the I thought. My life is so totally planned out already that if I ever get a huge sum of money it is going to happen later or tomorrow or who knows.

I am blessed already, far more than some people ever will be.

I have had a great life (a couple of rough spots but whose life doesn’t have those)

I have had great parents who gave me more than they could ever afford and I mean that in more ways than just money wise. Mom gave me hope, determination, love of drama, music, smiles, love and most of all LIFE!!! Dad gave me desire, grit, overcoming the odds, strength, pride, compassion, smiles, love and LIFE!

They gave me much more but these are the highlights. I have had great parents!

As for my siblings, AL, Phil, Kelly and Tracey they have each given different things, they are my siblings and as much as we are apart, push come to shove we are there for each other, as we were when mom died. The saddest thing is we never came together when she was alive.

As for now, my wife, Morgan is the greatest; she gives more to me than anyone ever could. She has saved my life and made me believe in hope again, she is the mother of my children and most of all she has this LOVE for me which is unbounded.
My children are great, all of them…Arowyn, Shane, TJ, and Kyle who live with my and Chantelle and Pam who do not. They each love me and I am more proud of them then any one parent should be allowed to be! All of them are the greatest blessing! The love they extended is boundless.

I have represented my country, more times than I can remember, worn Canada on my back and won Gold countless times. I have seen the world more than anyone could hope for. I have been on 5 of 6 continents.

I have great friends, great family, and great hope that half way though I still have more to give!!!

Second half coach, put me in , I am ready to go!

Aftermath

I have been writing and redeveloping my life as of late. I have a couple of pure foundations right now...my wife Morgan (I cannot thank her enough), my kids, all of them. They bring me love, laughs and of course challenges’, but I tell them every chance I get, "I LOVE YOU, you know" and how proud they make me.

I have a few true friends who have worked hard to be supportive and re learn who I am and I thank them every chance I get as well. As you all know; I lost my mother in April and she was a huge foundation to me (and my family). Since then I have reflected and searched for reasons to allot of questions.

Why did she have to leave us? What do I do know? and many more.

I turn myself inside out to find the answers.....

I listen to allot of music and I have found 2 songs which I have not only helped but truly define who I am.

Nobodys Knows by Pink. This song above all others defines me.

And; Aftermath... a new song most people do not know. I listened to it by accident and its' words touched me. These words....


Have you lost your way?
Livin' in the shadow of the message that you made
And so it goes
Everything inside your circle starts to overflow
Take a step before you leap
Into the colours that you seek
You give back what you give away
So don't look back on yesterday

Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya you'll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath

You feel the weight
Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day
It's not too late
Think of what could be if you rewrite the role you play
Take a step before you leap
Into the colours that you seek
You give back what you give away
So don't look back on yesterday

Before you break you have to change your own mind
Take a trip and fall into the pit
Tell a stranger that their view is full
So all you feel is love, love
All you feel is love, love

Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Wanna tell you you'll be alright
In the Aftermath

These words are what have help find new meaning to which I am...

Stay tuned because I am still trying to make the picture a little clearer...

By the way, did I tell you I was going to be a Grandpa.....

Fear not the game, I see clearly.

I am terribly afraid of death and failure right now .With the death of my mother in April and the reflection of how much responsibility I have with my wife and children I am scared as hell. I use to be a rebel (so to say), take life to the edge; ATV, scuba dive and even parachute.

About a couple of years ago I had a major accident in a fall from an ATV in the back woods of Newfoundland and this time of isolation was as close to a near death and failure experience (NDFE) as I ever want to come.

Each person's NDFE testimony is their own personal experience of a reality that is far more dynamic than physical reality. The reasons why near-death and failure experiences are so different from each other are the same reasons why experiences in this world are different.

The question as it exists today is whether the NDFE is an actual afterlife experience or dying brains mass hallucinating tunnels, light, and being told it isn't time yet. Looking at this from a scientific view, which is somewhat limiting, the only conclusion is that there is no scientific evidence that NDFEs are actual afterlife experiences. Perhaps it is impossible to obtain scientific proof short of someone bringing back from a NDFE the sandal of Jesus.
Even if researchers scientifically confirm that people are actually seeing and hearing things far from their physical bodies, this only proves, in my opinion, that conscious awareness can expand from the body to witness remote events. It is not evidence that consciousness can survive death and failure. And even if doctors began performing "flatline experiments" like in the movie "Flatliners) and scientifically verify that the experience was conscious while brain dead and observed events far from their body, I still don't think this will be enough to call it "scientific proof" of an afterlife.

Although there may never be evidence that satisfies the mind, I believe very strong evidence will be discovered that will convince most people that consciousness survives bodily death and failure.

This aside, the circumstantial evidence in favor of survival after death and failure is so overwhelming that the proverbial ball is really in the skeptic's court. We don't have to explain anything. Millions of people having NDFEs can't be all wrong. It is the skeptics who must come up with proof that it is only a brain thing. So far, all the skeptics' arguments do not fit the scientific facts.
Personally, I am convinced that our consciousness survives bodily death and failure. This is my belief which is based on a mountain of circumstantial evidence. Not much faith is required when the circumstantial evidence is there. NDFErs don't need any scientific or circumstantial evidence to believe in an afterlife because they actually experienced it


As for the fear of death and failure, I guess it is completely natural and valuable to have because it is part of our "fight or flight" mechanism that has evolved over millions of years to help humans to be at the top of the food chain and so is the fear of failure. However, there is an affliction called "death and failure anxiety" and “failure anxiety” that some people have that can interfere with their life. Of course, everyone is tremendously afraid of pain and suffering.
But even philosophically, having an unnatural fear of death and failure is not rational. This is because there are only 2 options when it comes to death and failure and both of them are good.

Option (1) - There is no survival after death and failure.

If this option is true, then at best you will have a NDFE that ultimately results in oblivion - the end of everything. And is this option so bad? Suppose at death and failure there is no NDFE but absolute oblivion. Then, you won't be around to fear it. It would be the "blessed end of everything." This option only means that there is nothing gained after death and failure. It is irrational, I think, to be sorrowful about something we were not given, in this case life after death and failure. I think of life after death and failure as being "the icing on the cake". We should probably live our lives if we were going to die tomorrow anyway. And if it is the blessed end of everything, then we won't be around to think about it. It is just that there is nothing gained and nothing lost.

Option (2) - There is survival after death and failure.

If there is survival after death and failure, then we can have our cake and eat it too. If there is survival, the question is whether life after death and failure will be heavenly or hellish. I am convinced that the same principle found in life also applies to the afterlife. Life is what you make it. We can kill someone and end up in prison. Or we can do good things and live contently. I believe this principle applies to heaven and hell. So, if any fear is justifiable, it would be the fear of going to hell. But, if you are not a criminal why worry about it? It is not the just who fears the law.

This means that death and failure is a "win/win" situation. Either option is a winner. Granted, the option of survival after death and failure would be preferred. So, by this formula, there is no rational reason to fear death and failure.

Concerning the need to have "faith," faith implies the possibility of doubt and a state of doubt can be miserable. Knowledge implies certainty. And when it comes to NDFEs, it is based on solid knowledge and facts rather than faith. If a million astronauts go to Mars and say that there's Martians living there, I would be inclined to believe them. If a million people experience death and failure and then say there's life after death and failure, I would be inclined to believe them just the same.

This said, it is still a good idea to keep an open mind on this and remain a true skeptic (holding to the possibility that there isn't life after death and failure).
For this reason, one can make the case that the only thing that is really important is loving others, loving life, and loving everything. Faith and knowledge can change, but love is worth keeping and cultivating. Even the Bible says that love is greater than faith. Having faith in religious dogma, instead of having a healthy skepticism, can lead to disaster, in my opinion.

My own religious experience has been one of constant evolution. I change my mind all the time. One moment God and I discuss how pissed he is at me and the rest of the time is me asking for forgiveness, hoping he is listening. The only thing that I have constant is love.

Be it the love of my wife, Morgan who always finds a way to help me though my tough times.

The love of my children regardless of how frustrating children can make me.

The love of my father, who never says it but I know means it.

The love of my mother, in this life or the next. Who watches

The love of my family, who I miss daily and long to be closer and waits for all of us to be together again (but only in the right time too).

The love of my friends regardless of the amount of contact.

In conclusion, here are some words of wisdom concerning the fear of death and failure …

Fear not the game, I see clearly.

I will not let fear control me anymore, I see a path (be it unknown) I will follow it where ever it takes me and I hope I make all the right turns in the bends with my loved ones right behind me (good or bad)!

On another note......I will have a major annoucement next post!

Why Dream?

For most of us we sit and dream- Dream of a better life, more money, etc. , etc.

But Why?

Why do we dream, what is a dream? Can we change the past, present or future by dreaming?

NO!

I was looking back at my last couple of blogs and I began to dream about what I could have or more over should have done and then I started to think about what I could do if I had just done this or just done that. None of which I can change now. Hell, I am not sure if I can even change it in the future. All I can do is dream, right!

WRONG!

Sure there are things I am not in control of, like winning the lottery (I gave up on that dream!) But I can make a difference today even a small change can reflect on things in a big way. Dreaming by the text book is our brain making sense of things or helping us figure things out. Sometimes be it in much screwed up ways, mind you but it really us figuring stuff out.

But what if we changed without dreaming??? A man came over to my car yesterday and ask me this “I am hungry, do you have anything to eat?” Naturally; I was in a hurry and said no, he then went up to my son; who had been returning the shopping cart and asked the same thing. Scared as hell, he said no. But I got to thinking here, why did I say that and do what I did. Afterwards I felt like shit because of what I did. I had just gone grocery shopping and had tons of food in the truck but I said NO. WHY? Why did I dash that man’s DREAM of a meal. Did I know him, no? Did I really know if he was hungry, no? I was in a hurry, uncomfortable and frankly had just done that same thing everyone else does in that situation for the most part.

SAID NO! Why?

I went back and looked for him with no luck and I feel really guilty about what I have done. I spoke with my son about it and he said, I should carry something with me, just in case. I do that now, and will freely give it out the next time. I will not dash a dream again.

I dream about my mother and wanting her back…..something I will never get, it is impossible. I dream about her sitting in heaven looking down at me and that has changed me. Things I may have done in the past with no thought, I wonder if see would approve since she is watching me. I find myself talking to my new born asking her if grandma came to visit and each and every time she smiles. I pray this is her answering YES, I saw her today and she held me.

We can dream, yes and we should but we need to remember perspective. I was told once perspective is everything; don’t let it cloud your path. Dream and dream big but remember perspective because trust me you cannot control your dreams and nor should we.

How does one celebrate???

I use a phrase often...In life we all get faced with challenges, how one deals with those challenges is what makes each of us different and ultimately strong, while defining the complexity of who we are in reality.

Over the last month, since my mother's passing this is more true than ever before. My life has been rot with grief and at the same time pure moments which should be; no must be celebrated. Much like today, May 30. The day my father was born 73 years ago.

How difficult is it to celebrate these moments of what should be victory, a birthday or the moment your new born daughter sits up for the first time or the look of love from your wife who so desperately wants to help you but struggles not only with the how but her own grief. Thank you Morgan and I am sorry.

I am not a great person but I try. I try to be a good man who wants to provide not only for my family directly but indirectly. I feel I am a giving man even at times when I cannot afford to be and I don't mean money but emotion.

The death of someone close to us is one of life's most stressful events. We fear loss of companionship and the changes it will bring to our lives. It takes time to heal and each of us responds differently. We may need help to cope with the changes in our lives. But in the end, coping effectively with bereavement is vital to our mental health.

Mourning and the complex stages of the grieving process are necessary. Even though the present is felt to be intolerably painful, it is healthy and normal for a bereaved person to experience intense emotions and swift mood changes. These are natural reactions to loss so the text books say.

"It takes time to heal." I truly believe this a myth. I think my brother stated it the best (Kelly)- "time will make this, not good, but better"

More over it most certainly will not heal. We will only learn to cope. Any period of grieving depends upon the situation and varies greatly from person to person.
Grieving is not a weakness; it is a necessity. Refusing to grieve is not courageous it is harmful .

So what or how do we celebrate what should be.....WE MUST! For that person and those around us.

Celebrate each moment, each birthday, each day, each second for it is when those moments are not available to us that we wish we had...DON"T let those moments pass.
For those who I have wronged, I am sorry...I was wrong. Very wrong. I do not ask for forgiveness because that is impossible but I do ask you for understanding for I am not who I was but I am changed; vastly changed.

And for those who do and can forgive....I am always hear for you to celebrate those days, those minutes and those seconds which should be.

I miss you Mom and wish the best I can for you this day Dad. For my friends and those who can forgive....THANK YOU!

I Love you, you know! Eleanor Francis Daw

I know it has been awhile since I wrote on here and the fact is; a blog is very labour rot. Time and energy, who knows who reads it, or even cares. Life is full of perspective.

One day however you will wake to find that world changed forever...like I did on April 29, 2010. The day I learned, I would never hear the voice which had been there so many times in the pass. The day I would come to learn what a moment in time was all about...the day my mom passed.

My mom was born on November 15, 1942 and ever since then has been changing lives. She changed the life of my Grandparents and then that of my father Ivan. Then of my brothers and sisters. I am proud to say I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. Alan, Phillip, Kelly and my Sister Tracey. Proud to call them my family as my mom was proud to call them her children. My mom changed all our life's both as children and as adults. She no matter what was always there. Rain or shine nor matter what we said good or bad she was mom. No matter the distance between us, No matter how bad we screwed things up she would always lean in and tell you "I love you, you know" something I miss each time I pass a phone.

My mom loved her children and watches each of us now waiting for the day we can hold her in our arms again, the day she can lean in and tell us "I love you, you know"

She not only loved her children but was a proud grandmother to the countless Daw clan of grand children. All her grand children. She loved my newest one; Arowyn; sadly; one she never got to hold, or tell her she loved her in person. My mom did get to see her and share a smile and a laugh over Skype. I know she loves her and watches her....her Tulip.

You see my mom never really was that fond of Arowyns name and joked she was going to call her Tulip. A name which has so much more meaning now.

The day you never want to come is the day you can never hear a voice, or see someone again. We always say...we have time....see you soon but I am hear to tell you you don't.

Take the time; each time to tell the people you care about you love them, to hold them, to embrace them because death will come if you like it or not. There will not be that moment you hoped for that moment of being able to lean in and say.....

I love you, you know!

So to all of you to whom I care for and love, I am reaching for each of you now giving you a hug and letting you know this.

THANK YOU for giving me the honour of being in your life, I love you.

To my family regardless of the distance... I Love YOU!

and MOM...thank you for allowing me to be you son, for guiding me, holding me, protecting me and letting me learn who you are.

I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW!!!!!

A funny thing happened on the way to the next day.

So its been a while since I have updated my blog. And lots has gone on.....

First of all, let me formally announce the birth of my daughter, Arowyn Emma Elli Daw, born Feb.23 2010 at 8:29am weighing 8lbs 4 oz.



She is cute is as a button and has me wrapped around her little finger already.

I was sitting there watching my daughter, talking to my wife and I said wouldn't it be nice if I had a little better contact with my brothers and sister. See I have three older brothers, and one sister. And due to life styles and locations it is very rare that we see each other, let alone talk. When out of the blue, the very next morning my brother Philip calls me.

Now I haven't talked to my brother for a long time and the passion that my brother has for me and what I have done in my life is incredible. He has been a long supporter of me since I was a wee little kid, one of the oldest memories I have and greatest memories I have is of my brother Philip helping me train in Thompson arena in London, Ontario, trying to do wind sprints against a sprinter. I will give him credit, he did well, but at the end of the day I know he was on the verge of a heart attack. Phil and I have always kind of one up each other all of our lives. Are my biceps bigger than his.... can I lift more, or can he?? At the end of the day, every body needs to be able to reflect on the little moments like those which truly make you who are today.

I love my family like no one else, and regardless of the distance or the time that goes by, I have always been able to reflect on the good, for the most.

More to follow......

I am not a former anything…

So I felt the need to write this …

Since I have been retired for over 3 years now I have been called a lot of things some good and more bad than anything else but one thing I have been called which is absolutely not true is I am a "former" .

You hear it a lot once you are retired, please welcome former Paralympian or former Olympian or former World Champion.

Well when did I became former.

I went to the Paralympics not once but in my case 5 times. When did I become former. I won at those games and the last time, Gold in Torino when did I become former Gold medalist Chris Daw. Last time I looked I still had the medal, it was not taken away. A good friend of mine George Karrys of the Curling News (http://www.thecurlingnews.com/) has fought for this for a long time and not until recently did I get it or even understand it.

With the Olympics and Paralympics, just around the corner when did it become fair to devalue the accomplishments of those who have come before the athletes participating at these games and for that matter when did it become common to refer to a current Olympian as past medalist hoping to win.

For too long the media has been able to disrespect the legacies of the predeceasing athletes by disregarding the accomplishment by referencing them as former. Referencing anyone who has gone to the Olympics or Paralympics regardless of whether they won a medal or not should never be referred to as a former. Did you go?
You can never be a former anything unless you change and even then you’re not real a former.

Former Boxer now curler – I was still a boxer

Former Curler now Curling Club Manager, I was and always shall be a curler.

Former World Champions, I was a World champion and no matter how hard anyone tries they can never take that away from me. They cannot pretend it never happen. Like it or not I am A World Champion, I am a Paralympian and I am a Gold medalist…like it or not, regardless of how I won or by how much. The facts are the facts not former anything but history that I am proud of and Canada should be proud of. Why? Because at one moment in time I had the privilege of representing the great place on earth and during that time everyone was behind me. Just because I am not in the paper, or my name is not in lights, or I do not currently play the sport does mean I did not contribute to where that sport is today. If we had not won in Torino ask yourself exactly how much funding would the sport have got. If I had not work as hard as I did, looked outside the box and got the sport at least looking down the path they currently are on, would they have been where they are today. If we had not won the points to get to worlds and ultimately to the Olympics would Canada be where it is today.

I am a Paralympian and proud of it, don’t disrespect me by calling me former.

The History books are written and last time I looked the “Time Machine” has not been invented yet.